“When you judge another, you do not define them, you define yourself.” Dr. Wayne Dyer
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When others put the blame and shame on us, as empaths, it can feel really scary sometimes. It’s hard to stand up and defend ourselves, and sometimes, when we do defend ourselves we become entangled in a web of the attackers delusion of being made “wrong”. It is important to know the balance of standing up for what is important, and when to detach and walk away for the sake of our own peace.
As an enneagram 9 (vlog coming on enneagram!) I am the peacemaker. It is absolutely the hardest lesson I’ve had to learn to face confrontation, and risk disconnection from others. I am all for growth in this department of standing up for what is just, right, and fair, even if it means disconnection and uncomfortable situations. This vlog, sheds light on the situations when an attacker’s aim to be right, is higher than the goal to find a middle ground. When they are determined to misunderstand you, and win. When you don’t operate this way it can blindside you, leaving you feeling scared and helpless…and, well, victimized.
I created this vlog after I was caught up in a bully’s web of illusion of fear and attack. I had signed a contract during a time of grief, and because of that, the person was changing meeting times, and rules on me, and threatening me with the police if I didn’t respond to her about meeting with her on her terms. I simply didn’t have the energy to fight it. I had just lost my mom, and was getting through the day to day. Because I was introduced to this person through a friend, I found it hard to stand up for myself. I repeated the line from A Course In Miracles, “In my defenselessness my safety lies” like a full time mantra.
Meaning, instead of defending myself to the attacker, to protect my safety, I will be defenseless instead of defensive. If I defend myself more, I am adding to the illusion of attack in the first place. The goal of the attacker is for me to be subservient and sorry, or irrational and emotional further validating their stance. When I found myself apologizing for having to go to work instead of meeting with her, it dawned on me that I may have been bullied. By the end of my work day, when she threatened calling the police if I didn’t meet with her by message on facebook, my voicemail, and email, I realized I needed to check in with my guidance system, as I was in fear of this person’s lack of boundaries, and control over me.
As I meditated and prayed, I heard my inner guidance come through. “You can remain in a contract without being friends with this person. This person is not your friend.”
I realized, I was giving my power away to her story. I was afraid of this person taking everything to my mutual friend and making me look bad to her. She had studied psychology as my mutual friend would say in admiration of how she could size people up. She could twist this into me not owning my part. I was scared she would call the police on me. I was frightened that I just signed up for a year agreement with a bully.
When my guidance came through, I suddenly felt relaxed. I was able to emotionally detach from the intensity of fear, and remember where my true power was. When the fear arose, I continually turned over the feeling to my inner guide, and I repeated my mantra. “In my defenselessness my safety lies.” I was led to a place where I was emotionally calm, steady, and had my functional adult on board.
I replied to her 50 missed calls, and facebook messages by saying, “I feel you could have gone about this differently without the threat. I cannot meet you today, as I said before I am sick, and I had to work. I can meet at this time, and this place. I will not take this personally.” She responded with, “Good, it’s not personal for us either.” I let her have the last word, and we continued our impersonal contract for the remainder of the year.
At the end of the year she thanked me with a note for always being consistent and prompt. We were never good friends, and my defenselessness kept me safe. I was able to speak my truth, in a way that was not defensive. I would not have been able to get there if it weren’t for my inner guidance helping me shift from fear to detachment.
If the opposite of fear is love, and fear is an illusion, and only love is real, than I believe A Course In Miracles when it says:
“Nothing real can be threatened. Nothing unreal exists. Herein lies the peace of God.”
A Course In Miracles
May this vlog bring you peace.
SpotOnSpirit 